“Saturday Night Live” began by criticizing the explosive charges in the ongoing libel lawsuit against Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.
“I’m Nicole Wallace and you watch MSNBC News because there’s nowhere else to put your anger,” Kate McKinnon said, portraying the host who introduced the cable network’s pilot coverage.
Depp, played by Kyle Mooney, took the stand to narrate a home security video in which property manager Kenan Thompson found feces in his bed, ostensibly left behind by Heard.
“I’d like to see more of the video because it’s funny,” said the judge, played by Cecily Strong, ignoring an objection from Heard’s lawyer.
“Mr. Depp, do you find this trial funny?” Strong asked the grinning witness.
“A little yes,” he replied.
“Me too,” she said, raising a glass of wine hidden behind her sofa as she made a toast.
Heard’s publicist declined to comment on the cold open when reached by The Post, and Depp’s representatives did not immediately respond to a message.
Singer and actress Selena Gomez, 29, made her hosting debut and told the cast she was looking for love on the show.
“One of the reasons I’m so excited to host SNL is because I’m single and I’ve heard that SNL is a great place to find romance,” she said. “Right now I’m taking everyone.”
Mooney and James Austin Johnson both offered their services but were quickly shot.
“Oh, this is new cast member Jeff,” Gomez said.
“It’s James, but I’ll change it to Jeff if you like,” Johnson replied.
The host was more open to Punky Johnson’s advances.
“Let’s see how the afterparty goes,” Gomez suggested.
The former “Barney & Friends” child actress then ended the monologue by leading the crowd in a sing-along to the show’s “I Love You” song.
Melissa Villaseñor played a young divorced child who took comfort in her Bratz dolls (Gomez, Aidy Bryant and Bowen Yang), who gave her questionable advice and declared that she intended to seduce her philandering father.
“I just don’t understand why Papa doesn’t love my mother anymore,” Villaseñor exclaimed, asking the dolls for wise words.
“Be authentic and be a bitch to every waiter you see,” Bryant offered, before Yang said the dolls were going to Miami to party with her dad.
A Japanese show that followed toddlers grocery shopping on their own was rebranded for the US featuring middle-aged men who struggled to do things without their long-term girlfriends.
Gomez dumped Mikey Day after his 34-year-old character did NOT perform a solo trip to Sephora and the bodega.
Villaseñor and Gomez played Latina hosts with short attention spans and limited vocabulary who struggled to communicate with their correspondents and guests.
In the following sketch, Thompson portrayed an annoyed little theater director who had to continue to line and scold his students for using Australian accents in an Irish period drama.
Gomez hosted an episode of “American Inventors” with Whoopee Cushion creator Archie Gizmo, played by her “Only Murders in the Building” co-star Steve Martin.
“I knew it would be funny if your boss sat down and a sound came out of his ass, but I couldn’t figure out what sound,” Martin said.
His dilemma was solved when he met a muse who constantly breaks the wind, played by Bryant, who also inspired him to invent jokes like electric gum and snakes in a can.
“Weekend Update” parodied the news of the week, addressing the cryptocurrency collapse and the reversal of Roe v. Wade.
“If you’re feeling like things are going a little wrong this week, yesterday was Friday the 13th, tomorrow is a blood moon, and according to the most annoying person you know, Mercury is retrograde,” anchor Colin Jost said.
Co-anchor Michael Che complained about the discontinued production of the iPod.
“Because Apple products become obsolete when they are older than the kids who make them,” Che joked.
A new hearing-impaired Barbie taught young girls an important lesson, Jost said.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re deaf, as long as that body pops.”
Sarah Sherman did a live report from Jost’s locker room, where an intern was caged under self-affirming post-its with things like “You’re the real King of Staten Island.”
Mooney was also at the anchor desk in character as a drug-addicted Baby Yoda.
Day portrayed a dragon slayer who had to choose between marrying three princesses in a medieval castle, in a skit that used the same set as Roe v Wade from last week’s cold open.
The suitor struggled to find flaws in the three women, played by Gomez, McKinnon, and Ego Nwodim, and wondered if there was a catch.
After opting for McKinnon, it was revealed that she suffered from excessive gas; The episode’s third toilet humor joke at the expense of a woman.
In a pre-recorded skit, Punky Johnson played Gomez’s inner jealous voice that convinced her boyfriend Chris Redd was cheating, leading her to stalk him online and toss his Xbox the Widow.
When Gomez admitted she was insecure because she usually dates athletes and celebrities who sleep around, musical guest Post Malone was introduced as Redd’s jealous inner voice. That led Redd to accuse Gomez of getting naked photos of LeBron James.
Nwodim and Yang played motivational speakers urging the Ol’ Dirty Bastard Class of 2022 to pursue modeling.
“Because right now you are the youngest you will ever be,” Nwodim said.
“I like your looks,” Gomez, model-playing, asked a student. “How old are you?”
“Seventeen,” the girl replied.
“That’s perfect. Stay at that age forever,” Gomez replied.
Post Malone brought out Roddy Rich to perform their song “Cooped Up” before delivering a dramatic rendition of “Love/Hate Letter To Alcohol.”
The NBC show’s season finale is next week and features actress Natasha Lyonne as guest host with musical guest star Japanese Breakfast.